


Breadwinner

by siqwithaQ



Category: One Piece
Genre: Comedy, Eunuchs, Fake Illness, Gen, but not exactly crack imo, i wrote this three years ago and re editted it tonight, it's quite wacky, lots of bread jokes and bread puns, nami is bored and someone is getting bamboozled
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 05:08:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6360769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siqwithaQ/pseuds/siqwithaQ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because when the trouble doesn't find the Straw Hats by itself, the Straw Hats have to go looking for trouble.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breadwinner

**Author's Note:**

> EDITED as of March 26, 2016. Originally published: March 23, 2013, on ff.net. Wow, was this painful to re-read. I was 13 when I wrote this, during my complete-aversion-to-the-word-'said' phase. This was really a surface-level editting, just fixing up what grammar mistake I could catch and changing up some awkward word or phrasing choices, but yeah, I think I'm happier with it now. Enjoy!

The island was a very out of the way place in the New World, so remote that they had no Marine barracks and didn't even receive the newspapers. Nami had thought this was a blessing; an island where no one would recognise them as wanted pirates was exactly what they needed, especially so soon after the article advertising their newly formed alliance for all the world to see. She had thought she would _like_ the chance to relax.

And yet, she was bored to tears.

She had had no idea how much the crew's near constant adventures had affected her before. Relaxation just wasn't as enjoyable to her as it once was, though one would think the excitement would make her appreciate it all the more. Relaxing on the Sunny was fine, since the there was the ever-present threat of sudden storms that she had to always be ready for. But relaxing on land? _Never_.

The last time she had been on an island as bor— _relaxing_ as Pan-wa Takusan island was back when she was in East Blue. The civilians were friendly and helpful, there was a distinct lack of any distinctive traits that most Grand Line islands had, and they didn't even have to be covert about being there since there were no enemies. It was almost as if they had sailed back in time to their days as a four-person crew roaming the calmest sea in following with a vague game plan.

It was so uneventful she didn't even know why she had ever wanted to relax in the first place.

When they docked, it had been early morning. Sanji, Usopp, Kinemon and Momo had gone to town as a group to stock up on supplies while they had such a good chance. Robin, Chopper and Zoro had left to look for bookstores, pharmacies, and weapons supply shops, respectively. Franky, Brook and Law had all wandered off at some point for reasons yet unknown. Luffy had been asleep the whole time, so she didn't even have him to count on to find some trouble.

She had tried to pass the time by tending to her tangerine trees, sorting laundry and taking inventory in her treasure room. Unfortunately, the first task passed quickly, the second was utterly disgusting, and the third was so routine she could do it with her eyes closed.

So she woke Luffy, and at least that gave her something to do. Namely, tagging along with him as he explored the island.

But even that didn't last long. They'd seen every interest worthy part of the island (there were two: the mansion of the family who owned most of the island's property, and the Straw Hats' own pirate ship pulled up to the docks) in under half an hour, and they set to walking back to the Sunny from the opposite end of the island. She even let Luffy lead the way, specifically hoping that he would get them lost. And he did. So lost, in fact, that they found themselves in front of the Sunny while trying to find somewhere to stop for a bathroom.

After that problem had been taken care of, Nami had insisted that they 'go get lost again,' to which Luffy had complied.

And now, they ambled slowly through the marketplace, half-heartedly pointing out little details that caught their eyes ("Look, an ant." "Hey, that window has a crack in it. I wonder why." "What's that mystery thing over there?" "This entire island smells like mayonnaise."). Eventually, Nami noticed something that was actually promising.

A member of the Grain family was talking to the island baker, not too far away from her and Luffy. The Grain family was the aforementioned family who owned most of the island, and they were much like a royal family in that they were so beloved by the townspeople that their every whim would become law if they wanted it to.

Nami, of course, immediately had an idea.

The treasury was decreasing slowly but steadily in funds. Not too much — they still had plenty, but it had to be used on food, clothes, toiletries, building and repair materials for the ship, and other such necessities. Meaning the amount went down at each port they stopped in, and except for some casual pickpocketing, she had no foreseen chance to replenish it. Meanwhile, the Grain family were the richest, most powerful people on the entirety of Pan-wa Takusan. They had extensive wealth and not much to spend it on.

On top of that, she was really. Really. Bored.

She didn't normally go out of her way to make any kind of elaborate scam anymore, though she certainly still had it in her. And both she and Luffy would appreciate a way to pass the time.

Because when the trouble doesn't find the Straw Hats by itself, the Straw Hats have to go looking for trouble.

.

Grain Peter was in no regard an intensely clever man. He was, however, a charismatic socialite who had a way with words. It was for this reason that his father, Grain Ini, usually sent him down to speak with the townsfolk and arrange deals with visitors when necessary, rather than his little sister, Grain Dora, who had a bad habit of sticking her nose into places it need not be, or his mother, Grain Flute, who liked to whistle at a frightening decibel despite having lost her sense of tone and rhythm many years ago.

That is why Peter was currently in the marketplace, chatting amicably with the baker. Pan-wa Takusan prided itself on having the finest gourmet baked goods in the world, and it was the longstanding family of bakers who made that happen.

Therefore, he was taken much aback when an unfamiliar redhead approached the baker and complained about a loaf of bread he had sold her.

"You call this gourmet!" she spat. "My personal chef would call this shameful!"

Sweet merciful Gouda. A beautiful woman with a personal chef, nitpicking the quality of high quality food? Clearly, she was a wealthy, probably important foreigner.

And if she used her status to spread word that Pan-wa Takusan's bread wasn't as good as her own chef's, or exaggerated it further, maybe to the point of it not being up to the standards of _regular_ bread? Or if she used her status to shut down the bakery?

The situation did not bode well. It was time for damage control.

"My dear madam," he said, "I'm sure there must have been a mix up of some kind. Why don't you explain what's wrong with the bread?"

She pointed furiously to a young man who stood waiting on the other side of the street. "This so-called bread made him sick!"

Peter looked. The young man had a healthy tan, an obviously fit physique, and a confident aura that made him look the picture of perfect health. He was leisurely watching the clouds pass by and — ugh. He was picking his nose.

"He doesn't look sick."

"Look again!" she demanded. "Can't you see his symptoms?"

There was no difference in the boy. He looked just as healthy as before. "No, I can't."

"I _said_ , CAN'T YOU SEE HIS SYMPTOMS?"

The young man flinched very suddenly, tugging his pinkie from his nasal cavity and holding his mouth with one hand and his stomach with the other. He bent over in pain, swayed on his feet a little, and finally swooned in the most dramatic fashion.

"Dear Lord!" Peter and the baker both gasped. "He's fainted!"

"Your island's bread made him sick!" she repeated. "I demand retribution! Shut the bakery down."

"Now, now, now!" Peter said frantically. "This bakery is the island's main source of income!"

"So what?"

"Surely, there must be some other way. Please, let us discuss this in the privacy of my own home."

He gestured to his mansion, visible to the entire island from its place on top of the largest hill, and she surveyed it derisively. "If you insist. Come along, Luffy!"

The young man jumped to his feet and trotted over. The woman didn't seem to think anything of it, but Peter looked at him in bewilderment. "Didn't you faint?"

"Yeah." He — was it Luffy? — shrugged. "I got better."

"Aren't you sick?"

Luffy paused, and then nodded feverishly. As if to reaffirm this statement, he coughed a few times, loudly, and directly into Peter's face. Peter stared incredulously back at him, but Luffy merely met his eyes and donned an innocent look.

Peter turned to the woman. " _Must_ he come?"

"Indeed he does."

"…Why?"

She wavered. "He's… my eunuch."

"What's a eunuch?" Luffy asked.

"You must forgive his shenanigans," she said. "He's, uh, _fresh_."

"Ah." Peter nodded in understanding. "I can see how such a process would traumatise a chap his age. Alright, I'll escort you up there, come this way."

.

Law was not enjoying his time on the island.

Do not misunderstand; the break from the Straw Hats' absurdity was undeniably welcome. However, he found himself at a loss of what to do with his time when he wasn't planning their moves against Joker or entertaining himself by observing the Straw Hats' antics. Even worse, there was bread just about _everywhere._

Pan-wa Takusan seemed to take exceptional pride in their baked goods. Any food sold on the island at all, if not a bread product itself, was invariably part of a sandwich or similar. Law had even seen a few people _drinking from cups filled with bread._

And lo, he was starving, yet he refused to lower himself to eating something he so dearly hated. His stomachs growling had become increasingly loud, especially since he had had the wonderful foresight to skip breakfast that day. One old lady had heard it when he walked by and was kind enough to offer him the island's special _bread sandwich_ , which was evidently a piece of sourdough bread between two slices of whole wheat bread, and made his skin crawl just thinking about it.

He politely declined and moved on.

He browsed through a few stores, listlessly picking through the items and trying to pretend as if he actually cared. Meanwhile, his stomach grew embarrassingly insistent. He garnered strange looks from civilians every time he rejected another offer of bread-laden food. Of course, there were other possible reasons they were looking at him that way — namely, his tattoos. Because apparently, the citizens had never heard of ink at all, preferring to always write in pencil, and certainly never thinking of applying it to their bodies.

In particular, his tattoos drew the notice of one annoyingly curious teenage girl who introduced herself as Dora. She had been questioning him about them when his stomach had decided to inconvenience him by, once again, making its emptiness audibly known — which was about the time that little intrusive Dora resolved to feed him the finest meal available on Pan-wa Takusan and set to dragging him away.

Law had wanted to decline her offer like all the others, but he really had no good reason to give her as to why. She seemed to be under the impression that she was 'helping out a good man,' and he couldn't exactly outright tell her that he was pirate if he wanted to stay on the island for very long. Besides that, there was no good excuse with which to turn down her generosity. Her persistent, annoying, unneeded, _commandeering_ generosity.

Presently he found himself in the mansion at the top of the tallest hill on the island, though it wasn't as tall as you would expect it to be, being that the island only had two hills. It was technically the tall _er_ hill, not exactly tall _est_. Nonetheless he was in a mansion on top of a hill that was taller than at least one other hill within close proximity and possibly other hills in farther lands, but not most of them. Dora had left to fetch something a few minutes ago and recently returned with a breaded monstrosity on a gilded platter.

"This," she squeaked in her nasally, grating voice, proudly presenting the abomination, "is my own special triple-decker bread sandwich."

"A triple-decker bread sandwich," he repeated, deadpan. "That's… five layers of bread all stacked together, correct?"

"Right you are!" She sat the plate down on the table in front of him, shooting him a smile that clearly implied she expected him to give her unadulterated appreciation and thanks. "Enjoy!"

"Thank you," he replied, with poorly faked sincerity. Dora didn't seem to notice. Law ruefully picked up the sandwich and stared at it for a while. "Joy. Say, here's an idea, why don't you… go take care of whatever responsibilities you may have? Chores? Homework? And I'll stay here and… finish this. Yeah."

"Oh no, I'll be free for hours. I hope you don't mind my company!"

"…Not at all."

There was a long pause in which Dora continued to smile obliviously and Law dreaded taking the first bite. After a moment's thought and a good idea, Law subtly activated his powers before biting into the layers of bread. Quickly, before it could touch his taste buds, he switched the atrocity from his mouth to behind the potted plant in the corner of the room.

"So? How is it?"

He faked a swallow. "Delicious."

He managed to 'eat' the rest of the sandwich in that same way, switching the morsels into various innocuous locations within his Room, which encompassed the entirety of the mansion. Eventually, his ordeal was over, and Dora looked quite pleased with herself.

However, as a select few people know, pretending to eat does not actually fill an empty stomach. Another growl came from the offended organ.

"You're _still_ hungry?" she asked him with some measure of disbelief. It quickly morphed into determination. "You must have a big appetite. I'll get you another."

"You really don't—"

"Nonsense!" She practically skipped back to the kitchen, platter in hand, leaving him to anxiously dread this never-ending torture.

.

"Where are you taking us for our discussion?" Nami inquired, making as if she were inspecting the mansion's decor when she was really trying to memorise the hallway in case they needed a quick escape.

"We're going to the parlour," Peter told her. "It's through this dining room here and just down the next hall — Oh, hello, Dora. Who's your guest?"

Luffy, who had been trailing behind the two of them, inconspicuously stretched his neck to see over their heads. He didn't know why Law was there, or why he was accepting a sandwich from some girl when he hates bread, but Luffy was honestly happy to see the older man. Nami had told him they were going on a 'mini-adventure' but she was lying because adventures were fun and he was bored. She told him that all he had to do was pretend to be sick — reminded of which, he faked another cough — and she was right, it was literally _all he had to do_. There was nothing else, just that. He couldn't even leave.

And he was really. Really. Bored.

But now Law was there, and even if he wasn't really part of the crew, he was still an ally, and even Luffy knew that the more Straw Hats together at any given time the battier things got.

"Hi, Tarao!" he greeted enthusiastically.

Peter looked between them and the stranger his sister was hovering over. "You know him?"

"Well, er, of course. He's…" Nami improvised. "…my other eunuch."

"Oh, is he?"

"He is."

"I'm _what_?"

"They won't tell me what it means either!"

"They won't? I mean," Law corrected himself, "I am. I am _definitely_ a eunuch." Going along with whatever the navigator had planned — for surely it was her plan, being that Straw Hat did not have the capability to _make_ plans — was probably his best chance at getting away and back to the Sunny so he could get some _real_ food.

"I see," Peter nodded. "Dora, how did _you_ meet him?"

"I found him roaming the town hungrily and I took it upon myself to feed him."

"I'm hungry too!" Luffy whined.

"Don't even try with this one," Nami warned. "His appetite's too big."

"Do all eunuchs have such large appetites?" Dora wondered. On cue, she prompted Law to take another bite, and he complied, only to switch it to somewhere he knew it would never be seen again.

Across the room, Luffy blinked in surprise and swallowed something.

Nami cleared her throat. "Well, we have business to take care of. Luffy, follow me. Law…" She really didn't know what to do with him. "…You wait for us here."

Law began to get out of his seat. "Alright, I'll — wait," he stopped himself as the reality of her words hit him. "What did you just say?"

They were already gone.

He sat back down and suppressed the urge to slam his head against the table — barely.

He _really_ hated being ordered around.

.

"Here's the list of ingredients we use in our bread. Could any of these be the cause?" Peter handed Nami a sheet of strawberry-coloured paper. She looked it over with feigned intrigue, until suddenly, she gasped.

"This one here!" She exclaimed, pointing to a random item on the list.

Peter leaned over to look with panicked concern. When he saw what she was pointing to, he was completely baffled. " _Flour_?"

"…Yes." She was caught off guard, too, but she would have to make the most of it. "Don't you know flour is banned due to it causing diseases in… in… in black-haired devil fruit users? It was in all the papers!"

"I had no idea!" Peter might not have known what a devil fruit user was, but he was still aghast. "We don't get the papers here, you see, so—"

"You _don't_?" Nami gave him an incredulous look. "You're missing a lot of crucial information, then. I can set you up with a subscription, if you like, but it'll cost you."

"I'm sure we have enough to pay. All our funds are kept in a safe; how much is the subscription?"

"Just let my eunuch handle it. He knows." She gestured to Luffy, at which Peter nodded and scrawled the safe combination on another strawberry-coloured paper.

"But I _don't_ knomf-fmmnghfm—" Bread had appeared in his mouth mid-sentence.

"'Flour Fever,' they call it; terrible thing, really." She shook her head sadly. "That's one of the symptoms."

"Dreadful," Peter remarked. He handed the paper to Luffy. "There you go, lad. And Lord's mercy be with you."

Luffy gave the man a confused glance and turned to Nami for guidance.

"Look, just find the safe and take the usual price for newspaper subscriptions out."

"…How much is that?"

Her eyes darted between Peter, who was listening curiously, and Luffy's blank expression. "Here, I'll write it down for you so you don't forget. It really is tragic how your recent operation and the Flour Fever are affecting you so much. Now go! We still have business to discuss in here."

Luffy scampered out of the room, and Nami turned back to Peter.

"About those reparations…"

.

Finding the safe was a pain in the ass, but at least he wasn't so bored anymore. He'd still yet to find it, and he probably should have been paying more attention to the search but it was hard to concentrate when bread kept randomly appearing in his mouth.

He'd passed many rooms so far — some kind of lounge, three bathrooms, a library, the parlour again (twice), and a study — and now he found himself back in the dining room with Law and the strange girl again.

"Hi Tarao!" he greeted just as enthusiastically as before.

"Isn't that the eunuch?" the strange girl asked Law.

"…Yes. My fellow eunuch. For I am also a eunuch," he answered. He turned to Luffy and asked, "Aren't you supposed to be with Nami?"

"She told me to find a safe."

"Do you need any help?" Dora offered. "I can take you to where it is."

"Really? Thanks!" Luffy brightened. He had thought she was bad because it seemed like she was forcing Law to eat bread when he hates bread, but that was really nice of her. "I guess you aren't a bad guy after all."

Ignoring Dora's confusion that he had thought she was a bad guy in the first place, Law stood from his chair. "I'll go with you."

"You don't need to—"

"Yes I do."

"Law's coming? Cool! Let's go."

.

Sneaking a look at Dora, who led them through the halls without a backwards glance, Law whispered to Luffy, "Why _are_ we looking for a safe, exactly?"

"Nami said something about getting a fee for a newspaper sub-caution."

"…Subscription?"

"Yeah."

"And how much would that be?"

"She wrote a note — hang on…" Luffy dove a hand into the front of his pants (which Law pointedly ignored in favour of _not_ needing to bleach his brain later) and pulled out a pink piece of paper. "Here."

Law, refusing to actually touch anything Luffy had been keeping _there_ , simply craned his neck to read it. Underneath a string of numbers was the message, _'Take everything you can carry and run.'_

"Here it is!" Dora announced. "I'll get it open."

When the safe door opened, Law raised his brows and Luffy went wide-eyed at the vast amount of gold inside.

"Does she expect us to carry all this with our _hands_?" Law muttered.

"She gave me this," Luffy said, pulling a large burlap sack from — brain bleach. _Brain bleach._

"When?" he asked instead.

"Before she complained to the baker that the bread made me sick."

"The bread made you sick?"

Luffy faked a few more coughs in response.

Dora turned back to them at the sound. "Oh, those sound bad! Are you sick?"

Luffy nodded. What did Nami say it was again? Oh yeah — "Flour Fever."

She clicked her tongue in sympathy, forgetting that she didn't know what Flour Fever was. "You poor dear. Take all the time you need."

They brushed past her with the sack, filling it, their pockets, and in Luffy's case just try not to think about it, with as many berris as they could to appease Nami's insatiable lust for money. They intended to keep going until they ran out of places to put it all, but they were halted by a screeching, off-kilter whistle and high-heeled footsteps.

"What's going on here?" a woman's voice asked.

"Mummy!"

Grain Flute was not a patient woman. She, as well, was a very protective mother. So when she saw her young daughter flanked by two unfamiliar men, who were rooting through their safe, no less, she was predictably enraged.

"What _is_ this?" She marched imperiously forward, stopping in front of the man who happened to be standing closer to her daughter than the other at the time. "Who are you?"

"I'm Luffy!" he replied. "Who the heck are you?"

She reeled slightly at his audacity. "I'm Grain Flute! My husband owns this property, and everything in this safe. What possessed you to dare enter here?"

"Nami," he responded simply. "She wrote a note; here." He seemingly didn't notice his companion's protestations of _'Don't give her that, you idiot,'_ and handed her a slip of her son's favourite, strawberry-pink stationary paper.

"The combination to the safe, and a message that says… _'Take everything you can carry and run'_? DORA **!** " She turned on her daughter. "Why on Earth are you _helping_ these filthy heathens?"

"They're eunuchs!" Dora whined defensively.

In that moment, Law had to wonder whether or not she had taken a page from Luffy's book on logic.

At the same time, Nami and Peter rounded the corner.

"What is all this noise about? …Mother?"

She paid him no heed. "How are you certain they really are eunuchs?"

"They said so."

"They could have lied!"

"We could know for sure if we checked," Peter suggested.

"Yes, let's."

"Quick, get their pants off!"

Law had to wonder when Luffy's book on logic had become a best seller.

A minute later, Law stood next to a fretting Nami, as Luffy was first up for examination. Nami was frantically trying to think of a way to talk them out of this, but Law merely put a hand on her shoulder, silently reassuring her it would turn out okay — he had a plan.

So it was, with Luffy's shorts by his ankles, Peter exclaimed, "The lad has none at all!"

Nami almost let her jaw hit the floor. Law smirked.

"Eh?" Luffy craned his neck to look down. "My family jewels! Where'd they go?"

Peter, still under the impression that the poor lad was traumatised, attempted to calm the pants-less boy down.

Out of the corner of her eye, Nami noticed the two… objects Law's other hand was holding behind his back. She hissed, "Are those his…?"

"Yes."

She recovered herself in a remarkably short time. "Well I hope you have a plan for when it's your turn, because _I_ am certainly not holding yours and Luffy's a little too thick to get that he's not supposed to let others see them."

"Not to worry."

When Luffy stood by her side — fully clothed, thankfully — and Law stepped forward for his examination, the confused rubber boy was still looking down the front of his shorts, lost.

"Hey, they're back!" He quirked his head. "…With extras?"

Nami choked on her own spit.

"He really is, too. They were both telling the truth," Peter confirmed as Law buttoned his pants.

"Of course we were. We were merely following the madam's instructions, as we should be," Law insisted.

"That's right. They were collecting the fees and the reparations Peter promised us." Technically not a lie.

"I suppose I shouldn't have doubted my children," Flute said apologetically. "As a token of my remorse, I will personally escort you to your accommodations. Where are you staying?"

"Our ship is at the dock. We're staying there," Nami responded without thinking. A moment later, she was ready to bash her head against a wall. _No! She can't go with us to the Sunny; the black flag is still flying!_

"Ship?" Flute inquired. "I thought you would prefer to stay in an inn."

"We like our ship better," Luffy told her. "Besides, a lot of places don't let us stay in their inns — we are pirates, after all."

_IDIOT!_

"You're _what_?" The three gasped. "Guards! Release the hounds!"

.

"Nami?"

"What, Luffy? Can't you see I'm a _little_ busy here?"

"Why are we running from dogs?" he asked. "We're badasses! We can take some puppies."

"Because we're seeing how long you can go without needlessly beating something up," Law said. "Don't break your streak now!"

"Hey, you're right!" Luffy realised. "I think this is the longest I've gone in a long time."

"Fallen tree!" Nami warned. They jumped over it.

"The dogs are kind of cute," the captain mused. "I want one."

"Oh no, I am _not_ letting you get a puppy. You're enough of one as it is; we don't need two of you collaborating."

"What exactly would Luffy collaborate on with a puppy?"

"I don't know, the best pieces of furniture to piss on or something."

"His name is Bellyache!" Luffy presented the hound slung over his shoulder, which was squirming and whimpering.

"When did he—"

"Hey, they're stopping!"

They glanced behind them. True enough, the other hounds (sans Bellyache) had come to a halt at the base of the hill.

"Maybe they're trained to stay on the property?"

"Whatever, let's just go. And leave the dog behind!"

"But Nami!"

"LEAVE IT!"

"Aw…"

.

The Sunny was as chaotic as could be counted on.

"Sanji, there's peanut butter in your ears."

"PARDON?"

"Rob _iiiin_! Nami won't let me have my Bellyache! …How come you smell like sawdust?"

"I should really wash that off. Momo-kun, why don't you join me for a bath? You look to be covered in tomato sauce of some kind."

"Why, alright. Hehe…"

"…Little lech…"

"Chopper! What happened to your fur?"

"Long story, Usopp-bro. But I am keeping _far_ away from dogs for a long time coming. Definitely _not_ super."

"But my Bellyache…!"

"Oi, shit-cook, I think Luffy needs something for his stomach."

"WHAT? CAN YOU SAY THAT LOUDER?"

"I SAID, SHIT-COOK—"

"WHAT WAS THAT?"

"SHIT-COOK!"

"BASTARD MOSS HEAD!"

"So, where to next?"

"The island with the needle that moves the most!"

"Hear, hear."

"For once, I agree."

"It's unanimous! That _never_ happens. I'll sing a ballad for the occasion!"

Looking around her delightfully rowdy crew, Nami smiled contentedly.

"So, you guys were bored too, huh?


End file.
